Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Just Jump

"Banana. What are you doing?"

"I dunno. Just jumpin'."

This was as she was getting dressed for the most important game her team has played this year. All of the adults felt it too. It was that tingle in the air. All of the kids were on edge, they were hyper and aware. They knew this was a big stinkin' deal...

And what does my Banana do? She was doing what she always does when her nerves get the best of her...

She started acting silly.

I'm talking making faces, talking in a funny voice, acting a fool, and well... jumping. I'm talking about doing all of it in spite of her stomach being in knots and her heart racing a mile a minute.

My daughter knows how to just let it all go.

I used to be a let it all go person. I would find my center in the chaos and be able to deal with what Life handed me, and the majority of the time, I had a smile of my face. A three ok maybe five minute crying jag and it was done. I rolled with it for many years into my adulthood and even into my mommyhood. But there came a day when the nerves didn't really go, and the stress never really subsided. Eventually, it would all disappear, but when it came back, it did so with a vengeance. The periods of nerves and stress were getting longer, and harder to manage. Long periods of insomnia started, and then the snapping at children for being children. Slowly the roles reversed, and the times where my nerves aren't getting the better of me far outweigh the times that they don't, and because my nerves are shot, don't even think about changing something... that takes my fragile mood and shifts it nowhere good.

I know when the balance shifted. Life was right there to punch me in the gut after I turned the corner one too many times. If you don't see the punch coming, you can't block it. That's when I had to start having details... all of them. That is when I HAD to start knowing... everything. That way I could  have a Plan B, a Plan C, hell even a Plan D. That way, no matter what, I could be prepared.

Being with her this weekend, she was just so her, and because of that, she was able to remind me of so many things... like it's absolutely acceptable to make silly faces at each other when all you want to do is strangle the idiot pharm tech because she thinks she knows what you are going to say instead of actually listening to what you are saying scream. "Let's just go to another store Mom. What's the big deal?" That it's perfectly fine to go and check out the hotel instead of just sitting in the lobby because go figure your room is the only one that isn't ready when you check in. "There are two sets of stairs, Mom. We could have a killer game of hide and seek here." That it's more than wonderful to sing at the top of your lungs to a song you barely know because somebody screwed up and they changed the ice rink on you. "That rink so was so loud... you don't have to worry about getting a headache again." That it's just plain fun to tease each other the way Jackson and Miley do.

But as I watched her get ready for this important game, a tidal wave of protectiveness overcame me. I don't want her to lose what she has. I don't want her to go to bed with knots in her stomach, only to have them be twice as big in the morning. I don't want her to forget how cleansing a three yes yes FIVE minute cry can be. I pray that she can hang onto the silliness, and onto the ebb and flow of change. I want to wrap her into my arms and not let Life be so harsh to her that she loses these superpowers.

I don't want her daughter to have to remind her what it's like to just...


1 comment:

  1. Life is all about ebbing and flowing baby....you can do this, it gets crazy, you know that I know. Know also that I am here for you whenever you need me. xo