Butter has discovered lyrics!

Butter's favorite song right now is "So What" by Pink. I honestly think it's because she swears in it, and as long as he is singing along with it, I don't care if he says it. (And well, he told The Chef that she's hot.)

He was jamming along with it, and then paused it. He told me that it's like she's signing about him. I gave him the Momma's eyebrow, and he told me, "When she says this... It's like it means this…"

I'm postive hockey isn't what she had in mind when she wrote it, but to this kid, it is.

It was a wonderfuly bittersweet moment.

10 years

10 years ago today at 9 in the morning, I was trying to put something on my stomach to calm the butterflies.

10 years ago today at 10:30 in the morning, I was getting my nails done.

10 years ago today at 11:30 in thr morning, my hair was being put up into my veil.

10 years ago today at 12:30 in the afternoon, I was putting on hose and making faces at my mother as she kept taking picture after picture.

10 years ago today at 1 in the afternoon, I was getting my makeup done, and putting on a beaded white gown.

10 years ago today at 2:15 in the afternoon, my dad and I were engrossed in nervous small talk.

10 years ago today at 2:20 in the afternoon, my dad told me that I could still back out if I wanted too.

10 years ago today at 2:30 in the afternoon, my dad walked me down the white runner to where my future husband waited.

10 years ago today at 3 in the afternoon, my husband kissed me for the first time, and it tickled my toes.

Today, 10 years after we promised to be with each other through the good times and the bad, we have made it. We have been shaken… but we have never fallen. We have had trials… but we have survived.

I love him so much more now than I did 10 years ago. I have found out what a strong man he is. When I have been at rock bottom, he has helped me up. He is my sounding board, my calm when a storm hits.

He's an awesome father, a wonderful husband, and an extraordinary man…

Here's to another 10 years, and 10 after that, and 10 after that, until forever and a day comes.

Lost

“To make yourself something less than you can be - that too is a form of suicide” - Benjamin Lichtenberg


As I was searching for quotes yesterday to use in cards and on various scrapbooking pages, this one struck me. Struck me so hard that I even used it as a Facebook status. (I know, I use quotes a lot for status messages.)

It's a truth that I seem to have forgotten. It's a truth that seems to have gotten lost. Lost, because somewhere along the way I did. Somewhere in growing into a wife and a mother, the things that made me tick, were pushed away for what I thought I had to be. And how long could that last?

For me, 10 years now. It was a gradual progress. Slow and steady, until I looked in the mirror and I didn't see myself. The Chef has even made a comment or two about mini skirts and combat boots.

I only own crocks now. Oh and a pair of shoes I got at the Salvation Army that cuts off all of the feeling to my toes.

So who am I? What defines me? Can the pysdo-Me that I let take over coexist with person I was... the one I am desperately trying to dig out of the back of the closet?

Here goes nothing.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Morning at the rink

And so begins another Spring season. I'm watching Banana on the ice, trying to show these boys that a girl can play. She's trying to impress me, picking up speed when she passes the glass where I am sitting.

These boys though, don't seem to care that she is a girl. They are passing her the puck, and not one has made a comment.

It's amazing what a different program has to offer not only Banana, but Butter as well.

One of the worst things that The Chef and I did, was to put him back in the program we left. He hasn't been this excited about hockey, since he first started playing.

I just hope his self esteem hasn't suffered any permanent damage.

I want my babes to excel. I want they to know what a real team is. I want them to know that all coaches are not like the ones we left...

But above all, I just want them to have fun.

I think this is the program we can do that in.

(And oh yes... This rink is cold.)

I'm back....

I have tried to find the right app for blogging. My computer took a dive, and all I have is my apple product.

There have been things that I have wanted to blog about, but I couldn't because I had no way to do it.

But it's all good now. I feel... Liberated.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New Year, New Start, Same Old Characters: Family Edition

I am not usually one for New Years Resolutions. They last for about a week, if that long, and then get tossed aside. So, this is not a New Years Resolution post. This is a post about the things that have happened in the last year, and the ways I can improve on them. This is a post about the ways that I can help my family, the ways I can help me.

One year ago, Pineapple wasn't even a dirty thought in my head. I had given up on the idea of having another baby. The Chef and I started to talk about it, and we decided to take the plunge. This year, I will take care of her, and love her with everything I have in me. Some nights days it is hard, but it is just the two of us getting to know each other. She is a beautiful, wonderful little creature, and I am so glad that she picked me.

Over the past year, I have watched Butter start to come into his own. He will never be the most popular kid. He will never be the most athletic. He will never like school like he used too. But that is okay. He has one of the biggest hearts I have ever met. He is stumbling through, trying to find his footing, but he has a good hand hold. He is the one that we make mistakes with, but that is the right of being the first born. This year, I will try to remember that he is still only a little boy who is entering that awkward stage. I will try my damnedest to not be so hard on him, and to expect the world from him.

Over the past year, I have needed to hold onto Jelly more than I should have. I was so scared that he would feel displaced with his baby sister, I treated him so much younger than what he was. This year, I will treat him like he is the awesome 5 year old that he is. I will hold him responsible for his actions and not make excuses for him.

Over the past year, I have demanded so much from Banana. She has always been older than her age, and I have treated her as such for too many years. Being my daughter is hard... I expect her to wear dresses and beat up boys. I expect nothing less from her than to be her best. This year, I will try and remember that she is still a little girl, a little girl who tries so hard to live up to my expectations. I will let her lead the way, and just offer to help smooth out the bumps if she needs me too. She is my heart, and the one that causes the most "Mommy Guilt", through no fault of her own, and I will remember that. I need to remember that.

And finally... over the past year, I have disappointed The Chef in more ways than I could possibly imagine. Yes, I did have his baby, but while I was pregnant I went crazy. My brain just shut off, and I, singlehandedly, could have destroyed our lives... and everything that he had given us. My husband being the man that he is, just took me in his arms and loved me even more. He was my foundation when I collapsed. This year, I will try and be better. I will be the wife that he so deserves.

No resolutions, just affirmations. A game plan if you will. These are promises that I have made to myself... promises that I know I will keep. Welcome 2010. I embrace you with open arms.

New Year, New Start, Same Old Characters

I fancy myself a writer. I'm not 100% sure on why, but the idea of being a published author just excites me so. I have this idea for a book... and it's a damn good one if I do say so myself.

I have started and stopped it 3 or 4 times now.

I have committed to several excuses on why I haven't finished it... the last one being pregnant with Pineapple. They are nothing but excuses because I have never before been able to admit to myself that it is actually fear.

There is the general fear that it will be horrible; that people will patronize me and tell me that it is great when it isn't. The fear that I will put myself out there and be rejected for it.

But there is something deeper... I am more afraid, more fearful, of actually succeeding.

That is crazy you say. "You don't want to succeed?"

It's not that. I want this piece of my heart to be the fantastic story I know that it is. I want to share this story, my story, with the world. This is the big one on my "Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda" list. I need to do this. But at the same time... in the same breath, I am truly petrified.

This year, I have made up my mind that I will complete this story. I will conquer this feeling of being inadequate.


I have to do this. 


The Chef will hold me accountable and give me deadlines. 


I will do this.