There is so much...

I can't divulge everything now... I wish I could. There are still things that The Chef and I need to talk about, things that need to be discussed and decided... Important grown up things, this is going to impact everyone things, no one and everyone will be happy things... we are going to make people cry things.

I want to hug the ones that this is going to hurt and tell them that this isn't about them... and I wish it could have worked out. I want to tell them that the only way things will change between us, if if they let them. But I know people are still going to be hurt, and upset... and to be 100% honest, I am hurt and upset...

I am getting the house packed... slowly our lives from the last 3 years are being packed away and sealed into boxes... Boxes that will carry us into the future, a future where I will not be crazy, I will make better decisions, a future where I will see rainbows every now and again... because constantly looking at this grey sky is starting to wear on the mind and soul.

I regret going crazy after Pineapple was born. More than I have regretted anything in a long time, I regret not reaching out for The Chef and telling them that I was not alright. Sure, I whispered it to him when the lights were low but even as I did, I knew that it was not enough. I just couldn't bring words to it when he looked at me. I regret for pushing those who loved me away, and not telling them that I needed them more than ever. They stuck by me though, they were there when I finally found my way out of the rabbit hole, and I love them more than they will ever know because of that.

But because I couldn't follow the bubbles to find my way to the surface for so long, The Chef and I have quite a few decisions to make. Because I was just a shell, my family has to pay for the mistakes I made. It's a heavy burden to carry.

The only thing I can do is tell those who love me, that I love them too. The only thing I can do is just make the best of the situation as it is sitting in front of me. The only thing I can do is make sure is that I will never let it happen again. I make this promise to my friends, my children, my family and most importantly, my husband. I have to remember that even though these next few decisions will hurt, they are a necessity.

All I can do is swear that I will never put the people I love in this position again...

...This I swear by the stars.

New Year, New Start, Same Old Characters

I fancy myself a writer. I'm not 100% sure on why, but the idea of being a published author just excites me so. I have this idea for a book... and it's a damn good one if I do say so myself.

I have started and stopped it 3 or 4 times now.

I have committed to several excuses on why I haven't finished it... the last one being pregnant with Pineapple. They are nothing but excuses because I have never before been able to admit to myself that it is actually fear.

There is the general fear that it will be horrible; that people will patronize me and tell me that it is great when it isn't. The fear that I will put myself out there and be rejected for it.

But there is something deeper... I am more afraid, more fearful, of actually succeeding.

That is crazy you say. "You don't want to succeed?"

It's not that. I want this piece of my heart to be the fantastic story I know that it is. I want to share this story, my story, with the world. This is the big one on my "Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda" list. I need to do this. But at the same time... in the same breath, I am truly petrified.

This year, I have made up my mind that I will complete this story. I will conquer this feeling of being inadequate.


I have to do this. 


The Chef will hold me accountable and give me deadlines. 


I will do this.