I'm Practically Giddy (or Finding Control)

For the past (few) year(s), you would hear me say some of the following (and sometimes multiple times a day):

"My kids don't listen."

"My kids don't do anything."

"Look at how I sacrifice!"

That's what I did. I complained... and I complained a lot. Bless ChipBeef (fka The Chef) and My Sister From Another Mother (forever now known as MSFAM). They put up with me... and they did it with smiles on their faces. It's nothing more than a gigantic pitty party for one. 

I'm 36 years old and I don't really like me. I am nothing more than a whiny, hot mess of a woman that is afraid of tomorrow. If I know what's going to happen, I can be prepared for it. I do nothing but hide in the comfort of negativity. If something went wrong, I knew it was going to happen. If it went right, it was just a matter of time before it all would go sideways again. 

Then something happened. 

Yesterday, Butter and Pineapple had gotten under my skin and I decided to deep clean my bed and bath rooms. As I looked around, I noticed the handprints on the wall, the dirt that had collected in the corners, and the dust that covered the top of my dresser. A veil that I hadn't even realized was clouding my vision lifted. The condition of my rooms was entirely all my fault... and I never saw it. With sudden clarity, I truly understood that I had absolute control over this.

We live in a house that is almost too small for us... and we all just have a lot of stuff. That being said, when one or two things are out of place, it turns into a disaster. I did nothing to maintain it because I knew in a matter of minutes, it would be back to the same mess that I had just picked up... so I just didn't. Two things would turn into five, five things would turn into 10... you get the idea. 

Then the following three things would happen in this order: 

1) The house would stay in a constant state of disarray,

2) I'd fuss after The Babes to pick up with my only direction being "Now",

3) I'd finally have enough, clean a room and then get discouraged when less than 24 hours later it was a disaster again. 

It is nothing more than a horrendous circle... a circle that breaks today. 

The Babes are only children, and they do things as children their age will do. They will occationally forget to put a trash bag in the can when they take the trash out. Sometimes, they will forget to take something upstairs when I asked them too. It's to be expected. I forgot that... or should I say I didn't see it. 

Don't misunderstand me, I am not my family's maid. The Babes will continue with chores... but this time with more direction from me. Instead of saying, "kitchen", they will be able to choose what they do, the only exception is their rooms. They can run a vacuum, and sweep a floor, but I will be the one on my hands and knees scrubbing the corners. 

I can also control the sess pool that my vocabulary has become. See, I swear... and I swear A LOT. My boys have also started to cuss... and I'm not talking about the occasional "damnit". Let me lay it down like this, if I swore in front of my mom the way the boys swear in front of me, I'd have dentures because she would have knocked all of my teeth down my throat. I do get after them about it, but it's still bad. It wasn't that they said anything particular lately, but it needs to stop. If they stop hearing it, they will stop saying it. There is also the fact that when ChipBeef and I first started dating, I didn't really cuss. He said it was one of the things that he first loved about me (and he has brought it up once or twice in the last 12 years) that it made me more of a lady. I like that. I don't have to swear like a sailor on leave in general everyday conversation. I am the only one who can control that... and I'm making a very conscious effort. 

I know it's two very simple things, and as  rediculous as it sounds I cant help but take extreme comfort In the notion that there are at least two things in this crazy world that I have complete control over. I feel better today than I have in a very long time. I'm practically giddy. 

It has been forever

I don't even remember the last time I updated this blog. It's not that there hasn't been anything going on, there has been a whole lot going on, which is the reason why.

You ever get that "I'm completely overwhelmed and if I talk about it, everything is going to fall apart?" Yeah, that's pretty much where I was for the better part of a year. It's wasn't anything more than life... but life hurts at times.

ChipBeef (aka The Chef) has made a career change at the age of 41. He has obtained his CDL and will be driving a truck for a living. After 20+years in the food industry, he just got burned out, and burned out to a point where even thinking about stepping foot into a kitchen was hurting him more than helping us.

We were lucky enough that his first job out is with a company that says he'll be home on the weekends. I can't even begin to describe to you how much of relief that is. The babes are used to seeing him every few days (because of the countless hours spent at a restaurant) so it'll be old hat for the older 3. They will just have to help Pineapple adjust. I, on the other hand, would wait up for him to walk through that door. That is going to be hard.

There have been other things, but none of them are my stories in their entirety to tell. In time, as they impact my life in various ways, I'm sure they will come forth.

And I'm sure as I get used to this new chapter of my life, I'll post more because there will be more to talk about, more to discuss.

Till then...

It's Complicated

I've been wanting to blog for a while... but the only thing of note was how The Chef and I were assulted and betrayed by people whom we loved... but I didn't want to continue to give them power.

Am I giving them power now by mentioning it?

It just seemed everytime I turned around, scabs were ripped off, and the freshness produced more hurt. I wasn't looking for it, but it always seemed to end up on my doorstep.

But its done now. The door has been slammed shut.

The people who assulted us, who took away what was ours, have closed the doors.

Like I said... it's complicated.

Day 15 of the 30 Day Music Challenge: A song that describes you

I went ahead and decided not to blog all of the 30 Day Music Challenges. I'm doing the full challenge on Facebook though, so if you care, you can find them all there. Anyway...


Day 15 is a song that describes you. This was a particularly hard one. I mean, songs that describe me change weekly... hell hourly. 


The first one that came to mind was actually this one:


Dave Matthews Band: Save Me


But then I thought about it for a half a second and thought of this one:


3 Doors Down: Krytponite


But that wasn't right either. 


I'm past that. I'm healing... It's been hard... I haven't been assaulted like that since high school. But with age and maturity comes a different healing, a deeper more substantial one.


And then I thought of this one:





Yes, I know it's Miley. Yes, it's Disney Hannah Montana Miley. 


Lyrics:


I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Just Jump

"Banana. What are you doing?"

"I dunno. Just jumpin'."

This was as she was getting dressed for the most important game her team has played this year. All of the adults felt it too. It was that tingle in the air. All of the kids were on edge, they were hyper and aware. They knew this was a big stinkin' deal...

And what does my Banana do? She was doing what she always does when her nerves get the best of her...

She started acting silly.

I'm talking making faces, talking in a funny voice, acting a fool, and well... jumping. I'm talking about doing all of it in spite of her stomach being in knots and her heart racing a mile a minute.

My daughter knows how to just let it all go.

I used to be a let it all go person. I would find my center in the chaos and be able to deal with what Life handed me, and the majority of the time, I had a smile of my face. A three ok maybe five minute crying jag and it was done. I rolled with it for many years into my adulthood and even into my mommyhood. But there came a day when the nerves didn't really go, and the stress never really subsided. Eventually, it would all disappear, but when it came back, it did so with a vengeance. The periods of nerves and stress were getting longer, and harder to manage. Long periods of insomnia started, and then the snapping at children for being children. Slowly the roles reversed, and the times where my nerves aren't getting the better of me far outweigh the times that they don't, and because my nerves are shot, don't even think about changing something... that takes my fragile mood and shifts it nowhere good.

I know when the balance shifted. Life was right there to punch me in the gut after I turned the corner one too many times. If you don't see the punch coming, you can't block it. That's when I had to start having details... all of them. That is when I HAD to start knowing... everything. That way I could  have a Plan B, a Plan C, hell even a Plan D. That way, no matter what, I could be prepared.

Being with her this weekend, she was just so her, and because of that, she was able to remind me of so many things... like it's absolutely acceptable to make silly faces at each other when all you want to do is strangle the idiot pharm tech because she thinks she knows what you are going to say instead of actually listening to what you are saying scream. "Let's just go to another store Mom. What's the big deal?" That it's perfectly fine to go and check out the hotel instead of just sitting in the lobby because go figure your room is the only one that isn't ready when you check in. "There are two sets of stairs, Mom. We could have a killer game of hide and seek here." That it's more than wonderful to sing at the top of your lungs to a song you barely know because somebody screwed up and they changed the ice rink on you. "That rink so was so loud... you don't have to worry about getting a headache again." That it's just plain fun to tease each other the way Jackson and Miley do.

But as I watched her get ready for this important game, a tidal wave of protectiveness overcame me. I don't want her to lose what she has. I don't want her to go to bed with knots in her stomach, only to have them be twice as big in the morning. I don't want her to forget how cleansing a three yes yes FIVE minute cry can be. I pray that she can hang onto the silliness, and onto the ebb and flow of change. I want to wrap her into my arms and not let Life be so harsh to her that she loses these superpowers.

I don't want her daughter to have to remind her what it's like to just...

Jump.

My Top Ten 2010

I love lists... which is why I'm sure that I'm the one that always fills out those meme's "5 movies that changed your life" or "10 songs that will always put a smile on your face" So without much further.... eh... here it is:

Top Ten of 2010

(in no particular order)

10) Dish Network: Everything I want, for a fraction of the price. No outages, no problems, and I have my soul back from Time Warner.

9) Pineapple: Not that I'm not thankful for all of my children, but there is something about this little girl. Maybe it's because she is the last baby... Maybe it's because we hang all day while the other ones are in school, Maybe it's because she's just her... I'm not sure... but all I know is that she's awesome.

8) The Move to Elyria: The Babes are doing so good here. The schools are awesome, the hockey program is wonderful, and they have friends on the street. Plus, I'm in the same town as my bestfriend.

7) Friendships: I'm in my early 30's. I figured what friends I had now, it what I had. Never in a million years did I think that I would make that connection and actually develop a true friendship. 

6) My Blackberry: I love it. I really don't know WHY I fought having a smart phone for so long. It's wonderful even if I do get a smidge bothered by it dinging at me when I'm out and I get new email.

5) The ability to wear Pin Up Clothes: I have the figure to wear them, and I look darn good in them. This site is my new favorite.

4) MadaDesign: It's still in it's infancy, but I have great plans for it.

3) Delores: She's a punk, she doesn't listen, but she's exactly what I wanted. I wanted a lap dog and she is perfectly content to climb into my lap while we wait for The Chef to come home.

2) Kim Harrison. She's the brilliant author behind the Rachel Morgan, The Hallows series. I am so very happy that I found this spectacular author.
1) Fracas

There is so much...

I can't divulge everything now... I wish I could. There are still things that The Chef and I need to talk about, things that need to be discussed and decided... Important grown up things, this is going to impact everyone things, no one and everyone will be happy things... we are going to make people cry things.

I want to hug the ones that this is going to hurt and tell them that this isn't about them... and I wish it could have worked out. I want to tell them that the only way things will change between us, if if they let them. But I know people are still going to be hurt, and upset... and to be 100% honest, I am hurt and upset...

I am getting the house packed... slowly our lives from the last 3 years are being packed away and sealed into boxes... Boxes that will carry us into the future, a future where I will not be crazy, I will make better decisions, a future where I will see rainbows every now and again... because constantly looking at this grey sky is starting to wear on the mind and soul.

I regret going crazy after Pineapple was born. More than I have regretted anything in a long time, I regret not reaching out for The Chef and telling them that I was not alright. Sure, I whispered it to him when the lights were low but even as I did, I knew that it was not enough. I just couldn't bring words to it when he looked at me. I regret for pushing those who loved me away, and not telling them that I needed them more than ever. They stuck by me though, they were there when I finally found my way out of the rabbit hole, and I love them more than they will ever know because of that.

But because I couldn't follow the bubbles to find my way to the surface for so long, The Chef and I have quite a few decisions to make. Because I was just a shell, my family has to pay for the mistakes I made. It's a heavy burden to carry.

The only thing I can do is tell those who love me, that I love them too. The only thing I can do is just make the best of the situation as it is sitting in front of me. The only thing I can do is make sure is that I will never let it happen again. I make this promise to my friends, my children, my family and most importantly, my husband. I have to remember that even though these next few decisions will hurt, they are a necessity.

All I can do is swear that I will never put the people I love in this position again...

...This I swear by the stars.

My Love, My Passion, My Hurt, My Life

Look over there to the right... you see that? It's a slideshow of some of my scrapbooking layouts I have done. Go me!

Why do I do it? I have been asked that question by a few of my friends that don't see my desire for it. They aren't scrapbookers, and they just can't understand why I get all excited if I find a pack of DCWV 12x12 paper stack on sale for $9.99

I am a pack rat by nature (I come by it honestly... you should see my parents house) but out of all of the things that they kept over the years, there isn't a ton of me in there. I mean, there are 3 pages filled out in my baby book. The kicker is... I am an only child.

So I have this unnatural desire to chronicle things in my life. The big and the small. I never want to forget what happened. (I could dig deeper and tell you that my grandmother had Alzheimer's Disease... and how that is one of my greatest fears... but I won't.) Besides... I don't think I am half bad at it.

See, I am one of those creative people... who doesn't have a creative bone in her body. I would love to be able to paint, to draw, to create... and the only thing I can seem to really do that is with paper. (Although, I do make forum signatures with Gimp and I don't think I am half bad at that either. LOL) It seems though that with photos and paper I can make things... things I like, and unless the world that I show my stuff too is blowing smoke up my butt, they seem to like them too.

I am not one of those "This is the latest trends" scrapbookers. Sure if something looks neat, I might pick it up, but... I am not the first one on the boat. Hell, the only reason I have a Cricut machine is because my dear Mother-in-Law gave me her old one. (But oh... I get it now... I so get it now...) I mean THIS looks like fun, but I won't be getting it anytime soon. (And for those out there keeping track... yeah I know it has been out for a while. LOL)

I am not one of those chronological scrapbookers either. I crop what I want, when I want. I have this awesome pic of Banana dressed up for school. She was rockin' the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus look. She was adorable. Like I said, so cute I took a pic. I chose the wrong size when I printed it out so I can't seem to make it fit on the layout how I want, so I have to get it redone. Am I done with her baby album? Nope. Hell I am not even done with Butter's and he is going to be 10 in September. I just now, after scrapbooking for almost 10 years, figured out how I am going to make layouts if there is more than one babe in them.

Another reason that keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind when I think about it (like for this post), is that there is no hard and fast rule to doing it like there are in so many other crafts. I can journal if I want, I can not journal if I don't want. If I want to do an album that is nothing but black and white photos I can. If I want to put red on every single layout I can. As long as I am happy with it, who cares.

I also am one of those scrapbookers that crop the "not so good times". After the rain is done pouring, and the sky clears from the darkness, you usually can see a rainbow... and those rainbows are usually the most beautiful we have ever seen. That is another reason I don't scrapbook chronologically... sometimes I can't face the not so good. It's just too much, too fresh in my head. It will get done, just when there isn't a scab to rip off. I don't show those layouts to others though... well The Chef sees them, and depending on what it is, I will show them to the babes, but no one else does. The things that are on those layouts are my pain, my hurt. Who wants to see that? And for me, doing the layouts of the "not so good times", it seems to help heal whatever bad thing it was.

Because see, these are my books... and my memories. They are telling the story that I want to tell. There are good stories, stories to make the time pass on a Saturday afternoon, stories that you consume like junk food, and there are stories that aren't so great, but it is what happened. These books are telling the stories of my life. The stories I never want to forget, the things I never want to lose. The things that I hope if when a future generation look at, they will see my love, my passion, my hurt, my life.

They will see...

me.

When will the Mommy Ramble End?

I sub-titled this blog 'Who said it had to be all this "Mom" stuff?'. It seems as if that is all I blog about… the four babes. Sure, there has been the odd one out, but…

The main reason I started this is to help me find me again. Because if you haven't noticed, I'm all about my babes. Not that it is "wrong" or "bad" or anything else like that. It's just… there is more to me than just being a mom.

There has to be.

I promise I'll start blogging about other things than the babes. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but I will.

10 years

10 years ago today at 9 in the morning, I was trying to put something on my stomach to calm the butterflies.

10 years ago today at 10:30 in the morning, I was getting my nails done.

10 years ago today at 11:30 in thr morning, my hair was being put up into my veil.

10 years ago today at 12:30 in the afternoon, I was putting on hose and making faces at my mother as she kept taking picture after picture.

10 years ago today at 1 in the afternoon, I was getting my makeup done, and putting on a beaded white gown.

10 years ago today at 2:15 in the afternoon, my dad and I were engrossed in nervous small talk.

10 years ago today at 2:20 in the afternoon, my dad told me that I could still back out if I wanted too.

10 years ago today at 2:30 in the afternoon, my dad walked me down the white runner to where my future husband waited.

10 years ago today at 3 in the afternoon, my husband kissed me for the first time, and it tickled my toes.

Today, 10 years after we promised to be with each other through the good times and the bad, we have made it. We have been shaken… but we have never fallen. We have had trials… but we have survived.

I love him so much more now than I did 10 years ago. I have found out what a strong man he is. When I have been at rock bottom, he has helped me up. He is my sounding board, my calm when a storm hits.

He's an awesome father, a wonderful husband, and an extraordinary man…

Here's to another 10 years, and 10 after that, and 10 after that, until forever and a day comes.

Lost

“To make yourself something less than you can be - that too is a form of suicide” - Benjamin Lichtenberg


As I was searching for quotes yesterday to use in cards and on various scrapbooking pages, this one struck me. Struck me so hard that I even used it as a Facebook status. (I know, I use quotes a lot for status messages.)

It's a truth that I seem to have forgotten. It's a truth that seems to have gotten lost. Lost, because somewhere along the way I did. Somewhere in growing into a wife and a mother, the things that made me tick, were pushed away for what I thought I had to be. And how long could that last?

For me, 10 years now. It was a gradual progress. Slow and steady, until I looked in the mirror and I didn't see myself. The Chef has even made a comment or two about mini skirts and combat boots.

I only own crocks now. Oh and a pair of shoes I got at the Salvation Army that cuts off all of the feeling to my toes.

So who am I? What defines me? Can the pysdo-Me that I let take over coexist with person I was... the one I am desperately trying to dig out of the back of the closet?

Here goes nothing.





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